How ‘Noticing’ Makes You A Better Partner – and Artist
On the art of attention with gender expert Kate Mangino
Welcome to The Village! I’m Kate Lewis – an essayist and mother fascinated by the ways we create community in our lives, inspired by those who do it well, and convinced that thriving communities are what makes for a joyful world.
I am, admittedly, not a household noticer. When it comes to the routine tasks that keep a home tidy and well-run, my eyes skim right over the toys strewn across the floor and the stacks of papers on the coffee table. It is still a constant daily surprise when my kids drift into the kitchen each day around dinnertime like ravenous wolves, opening pantry doors and then banging them shut in search of… dinner. My partner is the one who typically remembers to refill our grocery list, and most times, the one who runs to the store. My skill set runs more to the memorable than the mundane – I am the parent who plans the birthday parties, checks out the well-worn library classics, insists we trek out on the midwinter sea for an essential family whale-watching outing.
It takes both kinds of skill sets to thrive, of course. No one can do everything alone, all the time – nor should they. Everyone needs a supportive community, whether they’re raising children, making art, or just making their way through life, and communities only work well when everyone contributes fairly.
In her book, Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality At Home, author Kate Mangino pushes this truth beyond accepted theory and into the realm of the practical. Her research shows that societal equality begins in the home, with the mounds of wrinkled laundry piled by the washing machine, with the unscrubbed pans beside the sink, with all the ways our children watch and listen and learn how we share the work of life together. Mangino’s work provides a path to share life fairly.
She and I first spoke for a piece with Good Housekeeping on the sometimes overwhelming (and often invisible) labor that goes into making holidays magical – and the ways the emotional, community-building importance of that work can sometimes be dismissed. One aspect of her research that has resonated deeply with me since that first conversation is that idea of ‘noticing’ and its importance to equality at home.
It’s a concept that echoes through artistry as well. Noticing – deeply observing the world around you – impacts the artistic choices you make, no matter your craft. For writers, it’s the glint of light on broken glass to illustrate the moon is shining, to paraphrase Chekhov. It’s how I can write a story about my beloved black collie mix, her fur like silk beneath my palm – and telegraph to you that dog, that feeling, all from the jumble of alphabet letters I’ve placed on the page. Noticing detail is a key first step to creating that shared meaning with language.
It is the same everywhere in our lives – what we notice matters and contributes to shared meaning. Making sure we direct our attention to the emotional and physical efforts of our partner and our children is important, and often at the heart of creating thriving communities.
I was so delighted to continue this conversation, and here, Mangino generously shares more of her thoughts here on why noticing matters so much, how to become a ‘noticer’ if you aren’t one already, and crucially, how to help your kids start living this important partnership skill.
One concept I loved from Equal Partners was how important one simple act – noticing – can help create equality at home. What makes ‘noticing’ so important?
I suppose when you come down to it, things get done one of two ways. You either notice what needs doing, and you do it on your own. Or you are told to do something. And if you are told to do something, that requires someone else to do the telling.
As parents, we’re constantly reminding our kids to do things. Did you finish your homework? Did you feed the cat? Did you clean your room? Did you tell your coach you’re missing Friday’s practice? It takes a considerable amount of cognitive labor to manage someone else’s work, because you can’t cross that task off your mental to-do list until they take action. That constant remembering and reminding is exhausting, and it can quickly turn into nagging. (A word I hate, to be honest.) But there’s something about the kid/parent dynamic that somehow makes it all palatable.
But for people in a romantic relationship, all that reminding quickly becomes unattractive for both people. Sure, a reminder here and there is appreciated. But I don’t want to follow my husband around all day reminding him what he needs to do; nor do I want him to do that for me. No one wants to monitor and manage their partner. And no one wants to be nagged.
The only real answer, then, is noticing.
Noticing then becomes critical to making your relationship work, because noticing means you’re doing things on your own, without being told. You’re consciously taking responsibility for your half of your relationship. Maybe you don’t notice the same stuff – maybe one of you notices what is dirty, and the other notices when the fridge is empty. One of you notices when the kids are feeling down, and the other notices when the window is open for booking swim lessons. One of you notices it is time to plan for the holidays, the other notices when you need to book a family vacation. But no one person should take on everything.
Side note - I’m not suggesting people always have to notice. There are many, many, many nights that I walk past a floor littered with markers and scraps of paper left over from the craft project du jour, ignore it all, and go to bed. I am fully capable of going to work with my kitchen in shambles, allowing the mess to simmer until evening. Sometimes, for self-preservation, we need to stop noticing – and prioritize sleep or work or leisure time.
But the critical part is that you can see it; I know what has to be done to make my house run. And so does my partner. That, I think, is the key to noticing.
If you’re not naturally talented at ‘noticing’ (like me!) what are some ways you can hone this skill?
Like any other skill one wants to acquire – you have to practice it. You have to make it a priority, set time aside to practice, and do it. Just like learning a new language, learning to sew, learning to bake, or playing an instrument. At first, it will feel clunky. And you won’t be great at it, and that’s no fun. But you just keep practicing, and eventually you get good at it. It becomes second nature.
You share so many practical examples in your book of how to forge equal sharing of domestic responsibilities with your partner, and also how to prepare your children to be equal partners in their homes someday. One tactic that I especially love – and try to incorporate in my own home – is five minutes of ‘noticing time’ around the house at the end of the day. Why does this work so well?
Yes – in the book I describe an idea to do with kids, to get them used to noticing household work. It is something we do in our home, and I’ve had good feedback that it has worked for other homes, too. Set your phone timer for 15-20 minutes, and tell your kids to walk around the house and do whatever it is that needs doing. The first time you ask, they’ll look at you with blank stares. They’ll need help. At first, you’ll need to point some things out to them. But eventually they’ll catch on. They’ll start to see all the little things in the house that need doing.
I think this works because, as I said before, it is forced practice. You can’t get better at a skill without working at it. And this is a concrete way to get your kids to practice noticing.
The other way to get kids to notice things is by saying the “obvious” out loud. For example, if you are a family with enough resources to have a cleaner come once a month, then on those days say out loud, “just so we’re clear – none of us have to clean the house all day Saturday because we paid to have it done today. But that was important work that is necessary.” Help your kids “see” all the hours of labor that go into making their life work.
How can we take the concept of noticing from our own homes into the wider world? What societal changes do you think could (or should!) stem from it?
When we were living in Tokyo, we learned the Japanese saying, “ba no kuuki wo yomu.” The literal translation is “reading the air.” It is sensing what is going on around you; reading people’s emotions without the need for words. You cannot “read the air” without learning how to notice. Look around you. Have self-awareness. See what others are doing; how they are feeling. THEN think about how you might fit into that space in a respectful way.
I think we could all benefit from some Ba no Kuuki wo Yomu. Think about others in our space, wherever that is at the moment: a subway car, a party, an office. I think that kind of noticing is imperative if we want be thoughtful, empathetic, and kind.
This isn’t a new concept: emotional intelligence; presence; mindfulness. We talk about this in many different ways. What is more important, I think, is not what we call it – but how you use it, and who you use it with.
This is something my partner and I regularly talk to our kids about. Like all kids, ours are often in their own little world; they walk out into the street without looking both ways, they bump into people in the grocery store, they leave their shoes in the middle of the hallway.
I’ll give you an example. The other day I came home after being stuck in brutal traffic for an hour. My shoulders were drooping, my steps were heavy, and I was grumbling under my breath. Just then, my son bounded up and asked if I could approve a new app for his iPad.
Ugh.
All I had to say to him was, “read the air, buddy.” That reminded him to step back, and notice my demeanor and posture; to take stock of the vibe I was giving off. After a few seconds he said, “mom you look like you need a hug.” And I did need a hug. And that hug put me in a much better mood.
A half-hour later I was showered and snacking; feeling much better about life in general. My son re-approached me about his app request, and by then I was happy to help him.
That’s the sort of noticing I think we could all work on.
Your work has been so instrumental in both raising awareness of the inequalities many women face in their own households, as well as providing practical solutions for partners to solve them together – and really positioning the household as the first front on solving these issues in our wider society. Whose work inspires you?
There are many authors who inspire me! Peggy Ornstein’s Girls and Sex and Boys and Sex remain, in my opinion, must-reads for any parent – regardless of your child’s gender identity. Kate Manne challenges me to think about Feminism in ways I haven’t before. I love the intersectional lens that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie brings to Feminism. And I am endlessly in awe of the way Deborah Levy puts words to paper; it is one thing to write about gender norms, and quite another to do it in such a beautiful way.
Thank you as always, Kate! For more on how to create equal partnerships at home – and raise your kids to be ‘noticers’ – her book, Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality At Home, is fast becoming a foundational text. Pick up your copy here.
What impact has noticing had in your own life and art? I’d love to know in the comments below!